Medical experts say that putting fluoride in city water supplies is the best method of preventing tooth decay in children.

Let’s take that reasoning a step further and prevent and/or aid a number of other common ailments by putting other chemicals in the public water supply.

For instance, I have diabetes, osteoarthritis and dandruff. Hundreds, if not thousands, of other people in this community have these ailments, or are prone to them.

Therefore, we should put Glucophage (metformin) in the water supply to aid diabetics. Those without diabetes suffering any effects from drinking metformin-tainted water can go eat a candy bar and drink some orange juice.

We should also consider putting Celebrex in the water supply. This would be a benefit to Neosho’s aging population, as it makes aching joints feel really good.

And how about dandruff? With some Tegrin or Head and Shoulders in the water supply, you wouldn’t have to go all the way to Wally World to combat that dry, flaky itch. Just turn on the tap and lather, rinse and repeat.

People say I’m no good, crazy as a loon… Are you crazy as a loon? Then some lithium in the water supply would fix you right up. Suffer from blackheads and clogged pores? A few drums of Clearsil will clear that right up: imagine, a whole town with great skin. Have chronic halitosis? Listerine in your lines will fix you up fine. Have an upset tummy? How about a little Pepto in those pipes as a pick-me-up?

Honestly, how many kids drink tap water anyway? Put the fluoride in candy, in Spaghetti-O’s, in Kool-Ade, in soda pop, in Sunny D, in macaroni and cheese, in hot dogs, in Bazooka Joe Bubble Gum. Or (here’s a thought) use the funds for fluoridation to ensure that each child has access to dental care and is provided with toothpaste and floss and knows how to use them.

It’s been suggested that people who don’t want fluoride in their water should purchase a $200 filter to keep it out. How many folks want to spend $200 on keeping out a chemical that their tax dollars are being spent on to put into the water? When I get $200, I spend it on one of the following:

A tank of gas for my truck;
Two tires for my truck;
Groceries;
The water bill.

Tell ya what, city of Neosho: Give me that $200 and I’ll buy the filter.

You know, $200 will buy 200 tubes of fluoride toothpaste at the Dollar General. And a tube of toothpaste lasts adults about two months, so a kid should get a week or so out of it (provided that most kids waste about 75 percent of the toothpaste in a typical tube). That’s nearly four years worth of toothpaste for one kid, or a week’s worth for 200 kids.

Two hundred dollars would also go a long way toward providing every kid in town with a toothbrush. And if several people kicked in $200, why we could buy floss, toothpaste and fluoride rinse for every kid in Neosho. We could even have someone come to the schools and give talks on how to use these tools.

Shoot, we could even buy some of those icky gummy paper things they sell at Wal-Mart and at drug stores: you know, the ones that you place on your tongue and they dissolve, knocking your block off with a nuclear blast of mouthwash. And they’re great for a laugh: People make the darnedest faces when sucking down one of those.

Seriously, the city should concentrate not on fluoridating the water supply, but on detecting and fixing water leaks. A 46 percent loss record is entirely too much.

On a personal level, I know how much leaks cost. Recently, I noticed my water bills going sky high, higher for my little band of two than for a family of six.

The culprit? A leaking gasket in my off-brand, American-made toilet (try finding one of those these days: they’re all made in Mexico). I spent two whole days looking for this part, and two whole dollars on it once I found it. Hopefully, my bill will drop next month, or I’ll definitely find out why not.

City of Neosho, take note: Stop those leaks and leave the fluoride to the folks at Colgate and Crest. Or at least, let the folks here have a chance to vote on the issue.

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